A Paper Chase, Latex Clothing and the Fridge Has Landed

Monday morning dawned grey, wet and cold. A fitting scene for yet another bi-weekly guerilla war with the Green Oberbinfuhrerherren. Still fatigued after my late night Mrs Mopp session with the kitchen floor I was reluctant to prise my carcase off the 4 drawer sprung edge divan. The morning, however, called for even greater urgency. I not only had to have all bins, boxes and sacks in precise position to comply with the 07.30hrs diktat but I also had to be showered and ready for 8am. It was fridge freezer day and as informed by the polite email the delivery could take place at any moment between 8am and 6pm.  As a gentleman of a certain age, I have, in my time, had many similar notifications and I can truthfully assert that not once have I been favoured by the first delivery of the day.  Sods law of course dictates that the very first time I push what little luck I have, the doorbell will ring while I am performing my morning ablutions and I will answer the door dripping wet only to see the tail end of the goods carrier disappearing round the corner. I also had an urgent and early phone call to make. By some mischance (I will call it a senior moment) when arranging the delivery date I had completely forgotten that I also had a physiotherapy appointment at the local Medical Centre. Now I normally inscribe such details on the calendar as soon as I arrive home from the previous session but for some reason this had not happened. I did not want to cancel the appointment unnecessarily because getting another would mean certainly postponing treatment for at least another week so in an effort to ascertain an approximate delivery time I phoned Customer Services. There really ought to be a lawsuit under the Trades Descriptions Act because all too often there is very little service about it. It was while my attention was diverted by the complex and automated telephone question and answer service that the evil binherren seized their chance! The accuracy of the thrown box could not have been faulted. True, it did come to rest within the bounds of Chez Kojak but in doing so my carefully placed sack of paper received a broadside.  The sack, dutifully folded as per the Oberbinfuhrer's edict to keep the contents safe was dealt a mortal blow. A substantial amount of finely shredded paper poured out like a torrent of lifeblood and spread out over my path. A rather futile paperchase ensued which was substantially undermined by frequent gusts of wind...

Fuming over the binherren's victory I returned to the battle with Customer Services. After pressing almost every button on my telephone I finally managed to speak to a living being but with limited success. I extracted a promise that I would receive a phone call 1 hour before delivery of the fridge freezer.  Feeling only slightly comforted I set off for my physiotherapy appointment. My physio, the lovely Lynn is married to my doctor so it's nice to keep these things in the family.  She is treating me for pain in both hands and wrists. This may be residual tendonitis from my exertions in patio building last year. As Lynn's husband and my doctor reminded me several times, I am of a certain age and ailments of the elderly take longer to heal. Lynn had given me a wrist brace for nocturnal use but I acquired an allergy to it and was unable to use it without a protective bandage. Lynn hoped that I did not possess any ...er... latex garments. I opined that I couldn't get them on over my wooden leg and the appointment dissolved into hysteria. Still not quite made easy by the lack of a warning telephone call I hurriedly made my way home and found, to my relief that there were no signs of an abandoned delivery. There were, however, still signs of the evil binherren's handiwork despite my attempts to clear up the carnage wrought by his flying box bowling. Making a mental note that revenge is a dish best served cold, preferably under concrete, I made further attempts to remove the remnants of finely cross cut shredded paper from my garden and by now, my neighbours.

The afternoon went on.... and on and by 5.30pm I accepted that the 6pm deadline for delivery was not going to be met. I resumed my telephone button pressing and after the normal struggle I succeeded in speaking to a live person. Not, of course the same live person I had spoken to previously. In hindsight I ought to have made a recording of my query as it would have saved much time and oxygen. Informed that the delivery persons often ran late but would continue their round I sighed and waited... and waited. Since the kitchen in Chez Kojak is of a small size I could not begin to prepare a meal, nor, with an uncertain delivery time would it have been sensible to try and consume one. Eventually at 7pm the promised phone call came and a sizeable lorry arrived 15 minutes later. Apparently the lorry had sustained a puncture and when the spare wheel finally arrived it was the wrong size. Now the ordering process helpfully gave one a selection of delivery dates. I had not chosen the first available date as it coincided with Friday's leaving celebration. Kojak had personally selected the very day when the lorry would have a puncture and the wrong spare wheel had been provided. Fate's icy fickle finger had struck once more... The delivery men helpfully unpacked the beast, plugged it in and carefully backed it into the niche prepared for it. It was only when I retrieved the manual from inside the now rapidly cooling fridge that I realised that all the bits of restraining sticky backed tape and polystyrene padding around the shelves ought to have been removed prior to operating. Now the electric socket was located near the floor behind the appliance and I was now on my own. As the interior, shelving etc. also needed cleaning there followed a mighty scramble to remove all such items, wipe down the rapidly cooling interior and wash all the shelving etc. By the time this was done it was possible to transfer foodstuffs from old fridge to new and by the time this was effected I was able to transfer frozen foodstuffs.

The fridge had landed, Kojak was hungry and dinner was a bacon sandwich at 10pm... The fridge freezer doors were also the wrong way round but I simply could not begin to contemplate that battle.