Return to Prison, Kidnap and an Easter Bunny

Life in Chez Kojak has been rather humdrum of late, dear reader so I did not feel that there was anything of interest to put in a blog. After some chivvying from a fellow blogger (you know who you are, Su) I have at last put pen to paper or, in this age of technology, finger to keyboard. I say finger singular because I am not a touch typist. A colleague at work once described my method (and his) as "turkey typing" - pecking at the keyboard with one finger of each hand.  I have improved on this and even use two fingers now, showing off by hitting the space key with my thumb for extra flair!

Has Spring really sprung?

My friend the Blessed Liz came to stay last weekend, travelling up from Bristol where she works at present. After a good start to the journey she phoned when she hit the M6 motorway and promptly came to a crawl. She is very proficient at the "hands free" method of mobile telephony and has been known to conduct staff meetings from the roadside thereby earning the nickname of "Lay-by Liz". Her status updates do enable me to have a meal ready for her arrival and more importantly a pot of tea. She is an ex-civil servant and so, like me, recognises that tea is the real staff of life. Her arrival also heralded a touch of Spring in these northern climes. On Saturday morning we paid a return visit to Butlins, the local branch of Her Majesty's Open Prisons. We were not reporting there as a result of our misdemeanours, though they are probably many, nor were we visiting relatives as a fellow blogger (you know who you are, Su) unkindly opined. The prison has a shop where one can buy garden produce, bacon etc, and garden furniture all of which is grown, raised or made by the inmates. We were served by Ian who was Category B, blood group A and diabetic - or so his ID tag said. On Saturday afternoon  we were joined by our friend Margs who as usual arrived bearing gifts for everyone.

Does this really look like me?

Our presents were chocolate Easter Bunnys and Margs remarked that mine actually looked like me. Not only does Margs shower gifts on everyone but she normally insists on driving us to whatever destination we have planned. Liz and I decided beforehand that this time I would drive. This was not an easy task as Margs normally abandons her car in front of ours. After a brief struggle we forced her to park in an adjacent space and bundled her into my car. It looked for all the world like a kidnap and indeed it was! We set off to visit a garden centre some miles away leaving our bespoke Easter Bunnys to guard Chez Kojak. A pleasant afternoon was spent as well as some money, buying Easter gifts. Liz had not only brought a touch of Spring with her but also a computer for our friend Ian, he of the patio building, to sort out. Liz departed on Sunday lunchtime and Ian arrived shortly after. He is also an ex-civil servant so a pot or two of tea was naturally consumed.


Monday was recycling bin day so once again I was unwillingly forced out of the 4 drawer sprung edge divan in the middle of the night to do battle with the evil binherren. In the past one could time their Blitzkriegs and their order of battle. Of late they have resorted to random guerrilla sorties in order to surprise unwary council taxpayers. This necessitates a state of red alert all morning and is very fatiguing for gentlemen of a certain age.  The Green Bin and Green Box Panzers were successfully repulsed early in the morning but the White Sack Einheits were conspicuous by their absence for several hours. This was possibly a cunning ploy to lull me into a false sense of security. Finally they arrived and under close scrutiny from behind the curtains I was surprised to see them carefully replace the sack, tucking it into the handle of the storage cupboard. Gratified at this I allowed them to retreat unharmed before emerging from my sentry post. Now like all good citizens I am aware of the nefarious habit of identity theft and I carefully shred any paper items that might be of use to villains.  Yes, the evil and cunning binherren had tucked the sack into the door handle but he had done so leaving it upside down and clearly had only given it a cursory shake. The portal of Chez Kojak looked like the aftermath of a wedding. In the words of the song, the answer was blowing in the wind along with a substantial amount of shredded paper! Hostilities are far from over!