Wet Beds and Horrors

My bed was wet, not in the way you might think, dear reader! Granted I am a gentleman of a certain age but I have so far avoided the embarrassment of incontinence aids.

A couple of years ago my sister happened to mention that she was buying a new mattress for her bed. During the course of the conversation she mentioned that in addition to the fact that it had developed a "sag" it was high time to change it as she'd had it for well over 10 years. I successfully concealed a guilty look as I was still happily and comfortably slumbering on the same bed that I bought in 1977. Before you throw up your hands in horror I should quickly add that the mattress had been regularly hoovered and turned as all good mattresses should be. It had also been cosily wrapped in a snug protective covering.

Nevertheless a tiny nagging doubt had insinuated itself into my mind. Did the innocuous mattress conceal a seething mass of horrors? Was it alive with those evil-looking microscopic creatures that we are told live on the flakes of epidermic material that we constantly shed?  Despite looking a little worn at the edges, the mattress was still in good shape, still firm, no sign of sagging. "But", said the insidious little voice, "did that 'firmness'  consist of quality interior springing or was it just years of human detritus being munched by mattress mites?"  Well, the doubt lingered and so a few months later I purchased a new posh mattress. As it had been a decade or two since buying my last one I went into moderate to severe shock at the cost. Examining the  flimsy bases within my price range I decided to retain the existing and much better quality sprung base.

And so to today and the heading of this blog. Seeking more storage space I purchased a new double bed base with drawers. I blame Marks & Spencer entirely for this because they forced upon us an extremely tempting sale of towels and as everyone knows, one can never have too many towels. The new base was to be delivered the following Tuesday lunchtime so the question of the disposal of the old and perfectly good base had to be addressed. Once again the excellent Freecycle website came to the rescue. It's not often that you see a want-ad for a double bed base. A complete bed yes, but a base only? well, it must be a rarity. Nevertheless, there it was, precisely at the right time! It was arranged that the grateful recipient would call to pick up the old base on the evening of the new one being delivered. What could go wrong? Plenty.....

The first sign of things unraveling was a phone call from the Freecycle man on Monday. Because of work commitments he couldn't collect the old base on Tuesday evening as planned but asked if he could call the next day. This meant keeping the old base propped up in the lounge overnight but hey ho, not a great inconvenience. Tuesday arrived and I attacked the bedroom. A friend, who had promised to help with the heavy stuff, explained, with many apologies, that he'd had an urgent call out to work. I managed to shift the mattress and began to dismantle the old base. More horrors emerged when I viewed the area of carpet under the bed - the parts that other hoovers, including mine, couldn't reach. I set to and managed to remove the unspeakable evidence before I shocked the delivery men and embarrassed myself. The bed base duly arrived at the appointed time, the men helpfully carrying both parts upstairs. Full of optimistic expectation, my IKEA flatpack assembling skills honed to a knife-edge of readiness, I began to unpack the bits. I wonder how  we managed before the days of polythene wrapping? Assembly tools nowadays must include a pair of scissors in addition to a screwdriver or two. One this occasion I also had to make judicial use of a staple remover as some staple gun toting person had gone to town on the bag containing castors, drawer handles and associated bits. I noticed that the polythene wrapping was wet  but I was not unduly worried because it was raining during the delivery. Unpacking the second base I was concerned to see that the protective cardboard inside the large polythene bag encasing the base was soaked through. Further examination resulted in the discovery of substantial staining on one side of the base. It had to go back. So here I was with half a bed upstairs,the lounge dominated by a dismantled base downstairs and no prospect of a replacement base (bases were made to order) for 6 days. My cries of anguish to the makers were handled sympathetically and they promised to expedite the supply of a replacement but could only suggest that I use the offending part until a replacement arrived. Fortunately the top and connecting sides were dry.

Two glimmers of hope in an otherwise gloomy day:- the old base was collected by a very polite and grateful  dreadlocked young man and at least the horrors under the bed have been hoovered away... for the time being anyway...